I went shopping at lunchtime. I was going to buy underwear but after trailing round a crap shopping centre I ended up at Lidl to buy Louise’s lasagne.

I got out Dave and I could hear this whooo whooo whooo whoo noise which I figured was just a car alarm. But the next thing I hear is this automated female voice saying “Help, the driver of this vehicle is under attack, please call the police, help the driver of this vehicle is under attack, please call the police”.

I had a wee look inside and the guy sitting in the driver’s seat was just sitting there pressing buttons, so I’m assuming he’d pressed the alarm button by accident. I hope.

He was still there when I came out of Lidl, if the van was being robbed it would have been long gone…..wouldn’t it?